What Infertility Means .... to me...
This week is National Infertility Awareness week. I thought I might take a moment and just express what infertility feels like to me. While at times I do feel sorry for myself, this isn't a pity post. Just an awareness one, and one that comes from my heart.
I truly believe that God makes families in many different ways. It can be biologically, fostering, adoption or maybe He choses that your family is just to be the people around you. Although I know that its sounds cliche, but I believe that God's plans for me are better than what I have for myself. I do not know if I will ever have a biological child. I hope too. Very much so. But, I also know if in my life, it is only ever my husband, dogs and I, that I can be happy with that as well.
However, there are days where the ache for a child can be almost overwhelming. When it seems like every woman at the grocery store is pregnant, or when invitations for baby showers, gender reveals and first birthdays arrive. This does not mean that I am not genuinely happy for those friends and family, I certainly am. And I sincerely hope that they know that. But it also makes my heart ache and I ask myself, "why not me? why not us?" I don't have the answer to why it isn't Steven and I. Only that I have to trust in God's timing and His plan for my life.
Infertility also means that there are no surprises for us. Everything is planned. I have a calendar where I have to check everything. Blood work every 21 to 30 days. More exams than I could have ever imagined. Waiting for test results. Waiting to test. Waiting to know. Infertility means medications. Every. Single. Day. I'm not talking about prenatal vitamins, although it means those to, but other medications that will force my body to do what it should do naturally.
Infertility means that family and others, who mean well, ask when we are going to have a baby. And I have to tell them, I don't know. Maybe soon, maybe never.
Infertility means grieving every month, when pregnancy is not achieved. Sometimes, for me, it means avoiding things like gender reveals, baby showers and the like. Because, try as I might, I can not help but to feel sad as the games are played and gifts are opened. Sometimes the sadness is more than others.
At times, for me, infertility means self doubt when I wonder if God hasn't given me a child because He knows that I would not be a good mother. Or that maybe it is because I lack some kind of personality trait needed to be a good mother. It has also meant, for me, that instead of loving my body for what it can do and does every day, that I focus and hate what it can not do or doesn't do, and with this, treating my body like it is hated, instead of loved. I am working on this. It is a process.
Infertility also means trusting God. And believing that no matter what, He is good. I think it has brought me a place to where trusting God is a must. I don't have any other choice. I trust that He has plans for me, I trust that they are good (Jeremiah 29:11) , and that God, in his omniscience, can and does see this situation from all sides. He knows what has been, and He knows what is now, and He knows what is coming. This has been a gift from infertility. I do not think that I would trust Jesus and be seeking Him the way that I am, had it not, in part, been for this journey. It has brought me times like last month, when we had just found out that we were NOT pregnant again, and my heart just was hurting. I was listening to the radio on the way to work, crying and praying. And I said to God, "What about in the Bible, all those women that you gave children? What about Sarah, and Hannah, Elizabeth, Rachel and the others? Why can't I have the same miracle? "(okay so slight pity party.. but ya'll, it was a rough morning).And I had this thought spoken to my heart.... "but what about all the other women that I didn't give children to, ones you have never even heard of? Does that not mean that I still didn't work a miracle in their lives? Does it make me any less capable? Does it make me any less loving or good?" And I had to reply, "No, Jesus, not one bit." This brought me hope, and comfort, and actually changed my whole day around. Infertility has meant that I have CHOSEN to trust God. He knows my heart, and I am learning more and more about His.
Out of all the negatives, this has been the greatest lesson of all.
I truly believe that God makes families in many different ways. It can be biologically, fostering, adoption or maybe He choses that your family is just to be the people around you. Although I know that its sounds cliche, but I believe that God's plans for me are better than what I have for myself. I do not know if I will ever have a biological child. I hope too. Very much so. But, I also know if in my life, it is only ever my husband, dogs and I, that I can be happy with that as well.
However, there are days where the ache for a child can be almost overwhelming. When it seems like every woman at the grocery store is pregnant, or when invitations for baby showers, gender reveals and first birthdays arrive. This does not mean that I am not genuinely happy for those friends and family, I certainly am. And I sincerely hope that they know that. But it also makes my heart ache and I ask myself, "why not me? why not us?" I don't have the answer to why it isn't Steven and I. Only that I have to trust in God's timing and His plan for my life.
Infertility also means that there are no surprises for us. Everything is planned. I have a calendar where I have to check everything. Blood work every 21 to 30 days. More exams than I could have ever imagined. Waiting for test results. Waiting to test. Waiting to know. Infertility means medications. Every. Single. Day. I'm not talking about prenatal vitamins, although it means those to, but other medications that will force my body to do what it should do naturally.
Infertility means that family and others, who mean well, ask when we are going to have a baby. And I have to tell them, I don't know. Maybe soon, maybe never.
Infertility means grieving every month, when pregnancy is not achieved. Sometimes, for me, it means avoiding things like gender reveals, baby showers and the like. Because, try as I might, I can not help but to feel sad as the games are played and gifts are opened. Sometimes the sadness is more than others.
At times, for me, infertility means self doubt when I wonder if God hasn't given me a child because He knows that I would not be a good mother. Or that maybe it is because I lack some kind of personality trait needed to be a good mother. It has also meant, for me, that instead of loving my body for what it can do and does every day, that I focus and hate what it can not do or doesn't do, and with this, treating my body like it is hated, instead of loved. I am working on this. It is a process.
Infertility also means trusting God. And believing that no matter what, He is good. I think it has brought me a place to where trusting God is a must. I don't have any other choice. I trust that He has plans for me, I trust that they are good (Jeremiah 29:11) , and that God, in his omniscience, can and does see this situation from all sides. He knows what has been, and He knows what is now, and He knows what is coming. This has been a gift from infertility. I do not think that I would trust Jesus and be seeking Him the way that I am, had it not, in part, been for this journey. It has brought me times like last month, when we had just found out that we were NOT pregnant again, and my heart just was hurting. I was listening to the radio on the way to work, crying and praying. And I said to God, "What about in the Bible, all those women that you gave children? What about Sarah, and Hannah, Elizabeth, Rachel and the others? Why can't I have the same miracle? "(okay so slight pity party.. but ya'll, it was a rough morning).And I had this thought spoken to my heart.... "but what about all the other women that I didn't give children to, ones you have never even heard of? Does that not mean that I still didn't work a miracle in their lives? Does it make me any less capable? Does it make me any less loving or good?" And I had to reply, "No, Jesus, not one bit." This brought me hope, and comfort, and actually changed my whole day around. Infertility has meant that I have CHOSEN to trust God. He knows my heart, and I am learning more and more about His.
Out of all the negatives, this has been the greatest lesson of all.
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